After Fonzworth Bentley departed from our screens, you might have thought the era of grown men twirling umbrellas in public was over. We had a peaceful few years without parasol-bearing negroes. But where there is peace and quiet, you know we Nigerians always have some shit to say.

Enter Pretty Mike.

Owner of Club Uno – a Lagos night club in the Ikeja area – Mike Eze-Nwalie Nwogu is often seen at events in a colour co-ordinated suit and umbrella ensembles which truly lead me to wonder if the man has any close friends and family.

Lil Wayne once stressed how much he could make it rain – and the man hasn’t been sober in at least a decade – but even he doesn’t take the phrase literally enough to strut around Lagos carrying the widest umbrellas known to man.

Holding an umbrella is only the first step since, after all, women are always the ultimate accessory. Leash in hand, Mike began appearing at Lagos events of note (read weddings) flanked by two masked ladies.

The story doesn’t end there. Thanks to the righteous indignation of Nigerian uncles and aunties across the land, Lagos state authorities got wind of Mike’s hobby and ARRESTED him for performing an ‘indecent act’. See chapter 16.

The Lagos state police isn’t buying either, though. They have set up ‘machinery’ to continue an investigation into Mike’s conduct. I wonder what that ‘machinery’ will be… You just can’t make this up.

Though he issued a statement claiming he would refrain from roping chained women into his eccentric shenanigans, Mike has claimed that the whole thing was a publicity stunt. He said that ‘is all about women advocacy at the end of the day. It is all about empowering the women.’

Sure, I bet that’s what Boko Haram say too.