After Fonzworth Bentley departed from our screens, you might have thought the era of grown men twirling umbrellas in public was over. We had a peaceful few years without parasol-bearing negroes. But where there is peace and quiet, you know we Nigerians always have some shit to say.

Enter Pretty Mike.

🙌🏿Last Christmas as a Bachelor…… most Def 🙏

A photo posted by Pretty Mike CLub Uno (@prettymikeclubuno) on

Owner of Club Uno – a Lagos night club in the Ikeja area – Mike Eze-Nwalie Nwogu is often seen at events in a colour co-ordinated suit and umbrella ensembles which truly lead me to wonder if the man has any close friends and family.

Lil Wayne once stressed how much he could make it rain – and the man hasn’t been sober in at least a decade – but even he doesn’t take the phrase literally enough to strut around Lagos carrying the widest umbrellas known to man.

Holding an umbrella is only the first step since, after all, women are always the ultimate accessory. Leash in hand, Mike began appearing at Lagos events of note (read weddings) flanked by two masked ladies.

RepostBy @hnnafrica: “#HNNShowbiz Dear Nigerians, pls STOP fuckn piling up my DM and tagging me all day to @prettymikeclubuno 's pictures with his dog leashed chics. Many of u are “forcing” me to say something. When I say something about society issues. You dumbasses call me attention seeker or someone trying to be relevant always forgetting I'm an international Journalist and social critic. You only like to hear what benefits you. STOP IT! While I have this picture up, just like @bisialimi said, this is not new. Most of you in Nigeria are illiterates and not exposed to the world. The 30% that actually learn the globe from me will know that leashed chics is a STYLE so old abroad! Even the runway models use it in #Paris catwalk shows. Rapper JD Era showed up at the Stylus awards one year ago in Canada with his girlfriend attached to him doggie leash style. We all laughed on the #redcarpet telling him that he was too protective. Leashed girls have been going on forever in the modern world. Some of you are screaming women's rights, human rights, Kemi u are a feminist, do something. Have u tried asking the chics if they are uncomfortable? They are not complaining. Stop the fuckn shit and let @prettymikeclubuno enjoy his life. Mike pls DM me your digits. I want you to bring me to your club to host soon. Ratings will shatter. I wanna meet my #Lagos fans in that very club. Lets make it happen. And for u enemies of progress watch your puppies and bitches instead of Mike's leashed chics. Illiteracy is deep but ignorance does not EXCUSE STUPIDITY #HNNWomen #HNNImpact #Gbam #MadamHNN #kemiOlunloyo @HNNAfrica on Twitter.” ————————————— “NOW THAT I HAVE UR ATTENTION” watch as I unveils Something Great n different on this Social Media Platform.🙏… ————————————— This can't take away from the love n support I got from #Kbabs2017 photo Credit @giadavido .. Outfit credit @tiwathetailor 🙌🏿.. bespoke Fan @tejupretty shoes @lumineclothing . Leash @pleasurechestng .. umbrella source🙊but I c u in 3D Wunmi 🙌🏿. WCW alert goes out to my Masked Ladies, u girls Rock 🙌🏿💯😘😍 #TakingThePain4WomenRight To be cont…. brb

A photo posted by Pretty Mike CLub Uno (@prettymikeclubuno) on

The story doesn’t end there. Thanks to the righteous indignation of Nigerian uncles and aunties across the land, Lagos state authorities got wind of Mike’s hobby and ARRESTED him for performing an ‘indecent act’. See chapter 16.

The Lagos state police isn’t buying either, though. They have set up ‘machinery’ to continue an investigation into Mike’s conduct. I wonder what that ‘machinery’ will be… You just can’t make this up.

Though he issued a statement claiming he would refrain from roping chained women into his eccentric shenanigans, Mike has claimed that the whole thing was a publicity stunt. He said that ‘is all about women advocacy at the end of the day. It is all about empowering the women.’

Sure, I bet that’s what Boko Haram say too.