Dear Taiwo and Kehinde,
We were all overjoyed to hear of the news of your impending arrival today. Forgive me if my address is too forward. Where I come from, twins are blessed with these names so, on behalf of the Hive, I’m going to run with them for now, until the perfection that is your mother instructs otherwise.
We might not have known it, but we were waiting for you. Our spirits were heavy and the headlines were awash with basic bitches. Then, the Queen – whom your eternally fortunate selves will come to know as ‘Mom – blessed us with this:
Understandably, all chill was lost. Tears of joy across streamed across numerous status updates, Snapchat stories and Whatsapp groups. The Social Media Sisterhood was re-invigorated.
It delighted us to see Her Impeccable Highness recreate the three-pronged miracle that introduced her to us. You and Blue will be children of destiny – the updated version with higher res edges, unparalleled slay and divine attitude. We’re excited.
We know you couldn’t have emerged from a more excellent womb, and are infinitely blessed to call greatness ‘Mom’. Your path will be straight and smooth, and our faves will simply never attain the power you have, even now as foetuses.
As we speak, they weep, wail and gnash their teeth, wondering what they could ever do to captivate the audience Giselle Carter has wrapped around her fingers. The answer is nothing. Their weave is too stiff, their fleek too deficient. And so shall it remain.
Refusing to fully appreciate the gravity of this moment, they have instead offered misguided announcements of unwanted pigments.
Again, even with all the silicone in all the factories, they will remain inadequate. We can’t promise you will never have to interact with them, but we can guarantee they will always be commoners in the face of your royalty. Wave occasionally. Ignore often. Condescend always.
We cannot wait to meet you but do take your time in there, and only arrive when you’re good and ready. We have an orange-haired pest out here you need not be in a hurry to meet.
Lots of love,
Your Big Sisters Around the World
PS. Jay Z, we don’t care about you.