With all of these African leaders pulling out of the ICC, democracy on our continent has come under scrutiny. Democracy is also having a hard time in the US. Some have even gone further and flippantly describes Donald Trump’s approach as better suited to the club of African dictators
But, here, I have to disagree
Despite it’s rapidly declining membership, this club has been around long enough for us to understand its modus operandi (MO). And although Donald seems to display the some of the classical eccentricities of infamous African dictators — an unhealthy obsession with gold, repeated claims to infallibility, limited vocabulary and involuntary and ‘gropy’ twitch around women — he still needs to polish his act to find a seat in this exclusive club.
Here are five reasons why Donald would not make it to the African Dictators’ club:
At the core of a dictatorship lies the ability to dictate. Throughout his campaign, the Donald has not shown any signs of strong leadership but more of an ability to whine.
He rails against the media both liberal and conservative; he rants ad nauseum about the political establishment; he believes that the elections are rigged against him; he has feverish spasms when he thinks of Mexicans, Muslims and China; and even a poor little microphone, whose only fault was to be placed on his lapel, was not spared his lamentations.
His complaining makes him come across as weak and lacking in the kind of mettle that opens doors to the African Dictators’ Club. This aging club of Africans is made of men (it’s exclusively men), who have mostly spent their time in the trenches – literally.
They had to fight their way up without that matter of a small loan of a million dollars from daddy to get to their coveted seats.
During the Republican primaries, the Donald had a tiff with Senator Ted Cruz which ended up with Trump retweeting an unflattering image of Cruz’s wife juxtaposed with a photo of his wife Melania. The message was clear: your wife is a slob – mine is a 10. Asked why he retweeted the image, his response was ‘he [meaning Cruz] started it’. It’s a classic from a five-year-old’s art of war playbook.
In the African club, a trademark response would be a decades-old practised steely look designed to wither your opponent into submission. However, it rarely gets to this point. Normally, your dictatorial omnipresence is sufficient to deter any opponent from starting anything without your explicit say-so and you will most certainly will be the one with the last word.
One of the most memorable moments of the second US presidential debate is when the Donald so ‘braggadociously’ declared to Hillary that ‘If I win, I’m going to instruct the attorney general to get a special prosecutor to look into your situation…’
Stealth is at the core of dictator’s MO. Typically, when a dictator is making a move on you, you only get learn about it when you are unexpectedly thrown deep in the belly of a dungeon a measly two hours after you merrily toasted with him in his gold-encrusted palace to celebrate the tenth anniversary of the first insemination of his prized heifer.
There is no African dictator worth his salt who does not come with dress style. Sometimes audacious, many times over the top but invariably a clear fashion statement – we certainly cannot say the same thing about the Donald.
For someone so comfortable in sizing up others and measuring up their looks on a scale – especially women – his style stands in contrast with his judgement of others. I will of course not deign or stoop low as to undress him (eeeww) and rate his body configuration on that 1 – 10 scale he readily places others… but seriously, what is it with his ill-fitting suits?
His ties are too long. They run the entire length of his generous protuberance all the way down and then take a sneak peek at his crotch as if making it clear ‘in case you don’t know, this is where the junk is’.
The cuff lengths of his suit blazers are also too long, unhelpfully bolstering the myth of Trump’s tiny little hands. The shoulder pads are soft and sort of droop downwards adding to a sloppy look at odds with the authoritarian look that the dictator must project. His pants are way too roomy accentuating the flatness of his bottom while looking like they are filled with the bullshit that he dispenses so generously to his fawning audience.
Perhaps the most damning indictment on the Donald’s application to the African dictator’s club is his divorce rate.
Firstly, nothing offends an African dictator more than an insinuation that he is not in control of his kraal. In African vibe, and especially in the dictator’s club, nothing speaks more of loss of control than a divorce. This is important because the pretenders to the throne waiting in the wings are scouring around for any sign of weakness and a divorce is a clear sign of a man that cannot control his house and cannot therefore possibly be entrusted with strong leadership of the state.
Secondly, a divorced wife is an embittered woman who also happens to be privy to many secrets of the regime and possibly other regimes that were shared during erstwhile blissful times. A dictator does not want to risk his ex-wife mouthing off how many bodies were fed to the crocodiles or the locations of numbered bank accounts spread across the western world.
When the couple get to the point of irreconcilable differences, your African dictator will build a palatial mansion in the countryside and quietly dispatch the wife – they don’t divorce. They both keep their peace and profit quietly.
Two divorces are already one too many. Now with a third one wildly beckoning in the aftermath of an incipient spectacular failure on November 8 and the growing numbers of sexually assaulted women coming out of the closet, it becomes a major liability.
I am not one to fawn over dictators, African or otherwise, but I think placing the Donald in the company of African dictators gives him comfort that there are others like him. In truth, there is no one like him. He needs to be put in social solitary confinement and given time to think what a bad boy he has been.
He is no African dictator.
But what do others think? Would Trump make a good dictator?
I had second thoughts about reincarnation but my doubts have since been allayed. Beaten to the punch, Donald Trump is Idi Amin Dada! It’s not surprising that Trump has roots in Scotland: Amin’s apparent last kingdom. Dear America, DONald’Trump (DON’T!)
Daniel, 23, Kampala
What do you think of Donald Trump?
Donald Trump is welcome change to the American political environment, he is an “Out of context” candidate who you could only see being in this position in a dystopian themed Hollywood movie . . . this is a GREAT MOVIE
Would Donald Trump make a good African dictator?
He would not – he understands how to MAKE money – he hides his corruption to well – he has small hands.
Hannibal, 30, Harare
Would Donald Trump make a good African dictator?
I think it depends on the country…but generally, yes. He has all the ingredients for dictatorship. He won’t be as ruthless as Charles Taylor though, I mean he just did not give a fuck about anyone.
Mawena, 30, Ghana
Would Donald Trump make a good African dictator?
Trump and African dictators are megalomaniacs, but that’s where the similarity ends. I think Trump is like a peacock. He wants to be the pageant queen but I’m not sure he’s actually interested in the power.
Kayinsola, 29, Nigeria
What do you think of Donald Trump?
You can’t trust Donald Trump with the nuclear codes, he is unpredictable.
Chanda, Lusaka.